nobody talks about it

“Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life.”

– Anne Roiphe

It frustrates me now that when you go through the pregnancy process, no one talks to you have the possibility of having a stillborn baby – especially at 36 weeks. I’m a numbers person. My husband’s a coach, so I love running numbers and statistics.

I knew that after I heard Kellan’s heartbeat at 6 weeks our chance of miscarriage went down to 1 in 5 or 20%. I knew after we made it to 12 weeks, miscarriage risk went down to 3-4%. After 20 weeks it was 1 in 160. I knew those numbers and more.

I love setting goals and dates in my head. Little milestones no one else knows about but me.

Each doctor’s appointment I was so excited to know we were doing ok. I knew at 20 weeks we would finally find out the gender, and if there were any possible issues that could be seen on an ultrasound. Next was our 28 week appointment, then 32 weeks and things were always great.

I was constantly fearful of what could go wrong in the back of my mind, and in my head I just wanted to be at 36 weeks. I was so happy and relieved to be at 36 weeks. I knew at that point, we were in the clear. What a cruel cruel fake reality. I was wrong.

I don’t know if anyone had explained to me that this could happen if I would have been more prepared. I doubt it. But why don’t we talk about it? I had no clue that I wouldn’t get a warning that my baby was in trouble. I thought I would know. I want so badly to go back and know. How did I not know his heart stopped beating?

So many babies come early. Why didn’t Kellan just come early? Why didn’t he just arrive in this world 1 day before? He was 36 weeks – 5 pounds 12 ounces, and 19 inches long. I know it’s not logical or healthy to think this way, but I can’t help myself. I wonder when this feeling will go away. I feel like it will never go away.

I read a few really good articles today. I try everyday to do this and help process what I’m going through. One I thought was very helpful, and I wish I had it when my nephew died in 2016. I shared it with a few of my friends. It talked about what you can expect when someone you love is grieving a child. Here’s the article: https://stillstandingmag.com/2018/06/25/what-to-expect-when-someone-you-love-is-grieving-a-child/

There were 2 aspects I struggled with when reading it.

First – it said to say our child’s name and talking about them doesn’t bring up grief. I’m not there yet but I want to be. Sometimes I can talk about Kellan and get through it without breaking down. Usually I break a little. But his name. That’s the hardest part. I love his name so much and just trying to get it out of my mouth is so painful. I am working on this. I need to be able to say his name because it is beautiful just like he was.

The next is the part where they say, “We are not the same person that you once knew.”

This is what I’m scared of. I love who I was, and I am scared I won’t get her back. That fun, crazy, says anything person who can make a friend with anyone. The life of whatever event is going on. What if she’s gone forever? I am going to do everything in my power to get her back. But for now, I suppose she’s just crushed under the many layers of my broken heart.

I just didn’t know this could happen.