3 weeks later

“Believe me, every heart has its secret sorrows, which the world knows not, and oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad.”

–Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

It’s been 3 long/short weeks since I last held my lifeless baby. I say long/short because it feels like time is dragging, yet I can’t believe it’s been 3 weeks. He was supposed to be born in 3-5 days. I’m supposed to be miserably pregnant right now or holding my sweet baby and posting a million pictures of him. But instead I’m writing about his death. What a cruel cruel reality.

Today started out rough, but got better throughout the day. It’s like people around me knew it was going to be a tough one, so I was constantly sent love and surprises to make my day better. Thank you to everyone in my life for that.

I tried to explain my pain this morning. The best way I could even attempt to describe it: it feels as though there is a huge weight on me and I can’t get it off. It just feels so heavy, and I’m forced to go through the motions of life with it constantly pushing down on me. But I can still move.

I went into Kellan’s room today. My mom had started the process of washing all of his clothing (because apparently you’re supposed to do this before your new baby wears them). She brought them back to me, because I have been so graciously gifted a bear to be made from his clothes. I needed to decide which items the bear would be made from.

I picked up each of the clothing items I so lovingly and carefully had selected for him. A whole new layer of my broken heart ripped in pieces. I broke down and collapsed to the floor. The unbearable pain of holding the clothes my beautiful Kellan will never get to wear. I couldn’t do it, I had put them down and leave. I will try again another day.

I read another article today. The last paragraph felt so real to me. Here’s the link if you’d like to read the entire thing: https://sojo.net/articles/new-normal-ten-things-ive-learned-about-trauma?fbclid=IwAR0R7LIhMVKl8mdVfM6SF11bP-UjPOmeapNq6AV5wHGInY9yCxdP_rzhvlY

“Living through trauma may teach you resilience. It may help sustain you and others in times of crisis down the road. It may prompt humility. It may make for deeper seasons of joy. It may even make you stronger.

It also may not.

In the end, the hope of life after trauma is simply that you have life after trauma. The days, in their weird and varied richness, go on. So will you.”

I feel as though one of the hardest, yet most remarkable parts of life is that it does go on. Some days I wake up and don’t want to move, but I know that I have to. Either way the world is going to continue moving, so I might as well get up and face it.

I’ve learned throughout my life, especially in the last 3 weeks, that every person that is placed in your life, even the negative ones, are meant to be in your life. You may not understand why, but they are teaching you something. You will need them or they will need you. It’s truly fascinating.

A group contacted me on my business Facebook page June 12th to schedule an event in July. That group? Mothers of Angels. They scheduled for July 10th. I didn’t realize I had met the founder of the group months earlier when she was at my store for 2 separate things. Turns out I needed her and this group more then I ever knew I would.

The group serves as a support system, and also creates memory boxes for hospitals. These boxes go to families who have lost a baby. They have special keepsakes, molds, and books. Things I had no clue I needed, but am forever thankful for now.

What are the chances that not only had I met the founder, but that their group was coming to my store the week after I lost Kellan? I get Aberdeen is small, but not that small. I am navigating my way through the group, and learning their stories as I go. I always knew that women are strong and powerful, but I never knew just how strong and powerful.

While I do believe people are placed in your life for a purpose, everything does NOT happen for a reason. Absolutely not. After my nephew died, I stopped believing and saying this phrase. Now that Kellan is gone, I feel even more strongly that this concept is ridiculous. I highly suggest to everyone I know to do your best to not say this phrase. It’s painful to hear, even though it’s said with good intention.

While I refuse to concede that everything happens for a reason, I will not let my child’s life go without reason. He will have a strong purpose in this world, and he will make a difference. He will do it through me, his mom, his warrior. I will forever make this world a better place in memory of Kellan. I am a better person because of him. I love you KAL.