dear kellan

“No one ever wanted anything more than I wanted you.”

– Unknown

The first week after Kellan died, I searched for books and journals to help me through the process. Writing has always been something I have used to express my thoughts.

I stumbled across the most perfect one: Angel Book – a baby loss journal. There is a free download available, I also bought a copy because it was beautiful and I wanted to support the creator. Here is the link to the free download: https://sweetjulian.ghost.io/baby-loss-journal-healing-one-broken-heart-at-a-time/

So now that I am upon Kellan’s due date I have decided to start my way through this journal. Instead of writing in the book, I will write here. Page one, here we go.

7/26/2019

Dear Kellan,

I found out about you over Thanksgiving. I was in Topeka and moving my store. I remember looking down at the test and seeing the word pregnant and my whole world stopped. I couldn’t quite believe how lucky I was that I was going to get to be your mom.

I took two more tests. Not because I didn’t believe it, but because I was so excited to see them say yes. I couldn’t wait to tell your dad, your grandparents, and of course my best friends. But I was also scared to lose you. I was always scared to lose you. I think it’s because I loved you from the moment I knew you existed, and I couldn’t bare the thought of ever not having you. Now that I know a world without you, I understand that feeling more than ever.

I knew how special you were, and how good of a mom I was going to be to you. I wanted to make sure every single person I told about you was told in a special and thoughtful way. I made the most precious and beautiful onesie for your dad. It had buffalo plaid print and said Hello Daddy – Baby Langer Due July 2019. He was so surprised. I recorded his reaction so someday I could show you. Kellan, he would have given you the world.

I told your Grandma and Grandpa Logue with a surprise photoshoot and video. It was perfect in every way and their reaction was exactly how I thought. We told your Grandma Langer and Uncle Ray with a surprise package to New York. I will never forget being on FaceTime with them and seeing their joy. I recorded everything , because I wanted you to be able to see someday how excited we were for you. Your Uncle Timmy got a special package as well.

I told my girlfriends, the ones you would have called your Aunts, and they were all so excited about you. You got your own stall in the hockey rink, for your dad’s team to learn about you. I even designed wine bottles for you.

I planned everything and did each step with so much care my sweet baby. I purchased your first pair of hockey skates, and we took pictures to tell the world about you. Your dad hates pictures, but he was such a good sport. He knew what it meant to me to have everything for you. I wanted every single thing I did for you to be perfect, just like I knew you deserved. I even sent out postcards announcing your due date.

Originally of course I wanted a gender reveal party, because that’s what everyone does. I decided against it because all of your family & our friends are spread around the states. It wouldn’t have been as fun without everyone there. Your dad and I decided to just find out together, and I’m so glad we did it that way. It was so special. When we were told you were a boy, I remember it was so quick I was surprised. I thought it would take some time, but nope. You, my love, wanted to make sure we knew.

I wanted to tell everyone again in a special way about you being a boy. So I kept it a secret and revealed it to people in unique ways. My favorite was to the hockey boys with a puck I ordered that burst open with blue powder. Their reaction was priceless, and my heart exploded with joy watching the video. I must have watched it 500 times.

You deserved it all sweet Kellan. You made your dad and I so incredibly happy. I’ve never been so proud of something more in my life, as I was of you. You my son, were perfect. Too perfect for this world. And I will wait for the rest of my life to hold you again. I will love you and miss you forever. My heart & soul will always long for you.

Love Always, Your Mom