you should be here

“I will always wonder who you would have been.”

When I found out I was pregnant I put it into my phone and it calculated my due date as July 28th, 2019. My doctor told me July 30th, so I decided in my head that July 29th should be the day. July 29th is Scott’s grandma’s birthday, so I wanted that for him & his family. She called me Tinsel and I loved her. I thought it would be so special for them to share a birthday.

But today, July 28th was the day I put on all of the announcements. Today is the day I should either be having a baby, preparing to have a baby, or already have Kellan in my arms. The next few days are going to be hard. So again, I will write to my baby in heaven.

Dear Kellan,

I think about you every minute of every single day. Today as I drove home from the grocery store, I held my hand on my chest to feel my heart beating, to feel myself breathing. It feels so broken without you that sometimes I just have to make sure.

There are so many things I wish I knew about you, it’s hard to narrow it down to just three. I don’t think I will.

One night when I was pregnant with you, I stayed up late thinking about how I’d make sure you understood the different sports teams we were fans of. Of course you’d understand Kansas Basketball, and why we love them so much. I’d need to make sure you knew our obsession with the Eagles, and how your uncles both love the Giants, but we still love them.

How Dad makes us watch the Yankees all the time, and I’d probably have to deal with you loving them too. Then I’d have to make you realize we loved the Northwest Bearcats when it comes to Division II sports. And with hockey – we have to watch every single game that’s on. But we cheer for the New York Rangers…and the Philadelphia Flyers…when they aren’t playing each other.

I remember thinking how confusing it would be to you, and then realizing how silly I was to be worrying about it. How much I wish I could go back to those worries.

I wonder which sport would be your favorite. I think about what sports you would have played. I wanted you to play basketball, and I’m sure Scott wanted you to play baseball. We joked that we hoped you didn’t want to play hockey. But we would have loved it. I wish I knew if you would have played hockey. If you would have been a forward or a defenseman. I couldn’t handle you as a goalie.

I worried about you playing junior hockey. Wondered what coach you’d play for, because I knew your Dad said he wouldn’t want to coach his son. He would just want to be a hockey dad. How silly it seems now that I worried about what 16-20 year old Kellan would be doing. But I did. I always thought about who you’d be as you grew up. I knew you would be great.

I wonder if you would have loved school like I do. I had such high hopes about how smart you would be. You have so many books in your room. Books are one of the first things I purchased for you. I wonder what your first word would have been. What your favorite subject in school would be. If you would do your homework without me telling you. I wonder where you would have went to college. If you’d play sports in college, or maybe get an academic scholarship.

I wish I knew what your voice sounded like. I remember right before we had you, they told us it would be just like a normal birth, except we wouldn’t hear you cry. Hearing that killed me a little inside. I knew that was reality, but hearing them say that to me was painful. I wish I could have heard you cry.

I think about what you’d look like as you got older. I see babies, kids, teenagers, all of the time around me. I wish I knew how tall you’d be. I think you would have been tall.

I know you would have been a sweet little boy. I was going to make sure you knew your manners. To say please and thank you, and to be polite. To be respectful of those around you, to treat animals well, and to be a loving person. I couldn’t wait to teach you to pay it forward. I had so much to teach you my sweet baby.

I wish I knew so much about you Kellan. But I will never get the chance to know. My future with you got taken away from me so quickly. I never even knew a life without you was a possibility. I never knew I wouldn’t get to meet you alive. I wish it could be different, you should be here. But I know it can’t be different, and I know you can’t be here.

I hope every single day that you know how much I love you. I know in my heart you do, but I still hope. My heart aches for you like I never knew it could ache for someone. I wish I knew what you thought about me. I wish I knew how much you loved me. I hope I make you proud that I’m your mom.

You will forever be my world.

Love always, Mom