Control or no control -I’m going to embrace who I will become.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”–Vicki Harrison
Control a: to exercise restraining or directing influence over b: to have power over
I feel as though I lost control over my life when Kellan died. Every single thing I prepared for. Any idea of the life I had dreamed of for myself and our family was shattered.
I can no longer control my emotions or how things make me feel. I have no control over my tears flowing, or the thoughts that race through my head. There is no more shutting my brain off. But I also feel more level-headed and logical than I have every been.
I have thought of Kellan every single second, of every single day since the moment I held him in my arms. Even when I’m in conversation or seem to be focused on something else, Kellan is always running through my mind. It’s mentally crippling.
I often have wondered when the day would come that I won’t think of him 24/7. And then this morning, as I was getting my hair done and laughing, I realized suddenly that today was that day. I wasn’t thinking of him in that moment and I couldn’t believe it.
4 weeks and 4 days after his death was the first time I didn’t think of him for every single moment of my day. Now that it has happened, I can’t help but ask myself if I actually want to not think of him every moment? I thought that’s what I wanted. I’m unsure now, but I know I can’t control it. Maybe that’s the issue?
I want control back of as many things as possible, so I do my best to recognize what I can have power over. Sadly, there’s very little. I almost feel like a child that fights their parent on what they wear and eat. They get very little control over their lives, so they’re fighting for what they can. I get it now. Let your kiddo not match for a day and look like a fool – it’s ok.
As I start to piece back together what I can of my shattered life, I’ve realized that I’m in survival mode. I like to plan my day, decide who I will see and talk to, and put myself in situations that I know I can handle. I protect myself as much as possible, and I love when I’m given options and the ability to make choices. I need control.
A good friend of mine recently asked if she could e-mail me as a way to connect, instead of texting or calling me. I loved this idea and look forward to her e-mails. I can decide when and where I read them, and if I want to respond. I can open and close them as I want. I have control.
I’ve realized recently that I am not excited about anything in my life currently. Things that happen can make me happy, or make me laugh. But there is nothing in the future that excites me. I can’t control the future, and I am honestly scared of it. So for now, I remain unexcited. I can control that.
I went through a breakup in 2009, that at the time I thought was devastating. Oh Tiffany, if only you knew back then what you know now. But I did handle that breakup like a boss. I changed my phone number, and deactivated my social media for 3 months. I then went on to live my life as vibrant and in the moment as possible. I traveled, I took risks, I embraced change. I met my future husband – the love of my life.
So almost exactly 10 years later, 2019 Tiffany decided to read a chapter from her old playbook. With that, I deactivated social media and am going to try to live my life. In the moment, and embracing the changes that come with it. Maybe as I allow myself to do this, I will get a small sliver of excitement again. Only time will tell.
I will say, as soon as I went through the deactivation process, I felt a huge sense of relief. It’s remarkable the stress something so trivial can cause you without you even realizing it.
Since I don’t have social media, I decided to revisit a few blasts from the past today and go through the pictures on my phone. Buried between a million pictures of Sophie, I found several quotes I’ve saved throughout the years (My phone insanely has photos that go back to 2008). I had saved this one in 2015, but today I needed to read it:
“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”
I think that’s exactly what I’m doing. I was forced into an impossible situation when my son died. So now I will do what I can to un-become the things in my life that don’t help me move forward, and become the person I need to in order to move forward.
I think Kellan would be proud of me. Control or no control – I’m going to embrace who I will become.