sweet kellan

“Life is not the way it is supposed to be. It is the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”

–Virginia Satir

Yesterday, Frank Warren from PostSecret (a project I have loved for over a decade) sent a tweet out with the link to my blog. This was such a huge honor to me. People from all over the world have started to read my words. It makes me feel like I’m making a difference by sharing my grief, and I am so thankful for that.

I have tried to talk to Kellan a few times now out loud. I feel so stupid some days wanting or trying to talk to him, and wanting him to hear me. I guess it’s because I think of him like a normal baby, that couldn’t comprehend actual words and thoughts. I hope my stupid human logic is wrong. I hope he hears me and sees me. I know in my heart he does.

I have decided to write to him tonight. It’s been a rough few days, and I just want to shut off my mind and only think of my words to him.

Dear Kellan,

I am a stronger mother and individual now because of you. You have shown me that I can wake up on my worst day and press on.

You have made me realize how truly fortunate I am to have your dad as my life partner. He is the most amazing human I have ever known, and I am certain that you would have been just like him.

It kills me to think of what a remarkable little boy you would have been on this earth. Sometimes it hurts so badly I can’t help but wince. But I am a stronger mother because I now get to create your purpose in the world.

I want to make this world a better place because of you. I want to make sure that other moms and dads are properly taken care of. I want to make sure people are educated and aware. I am not ashamed of our story, but I am ashamed of the people who failed me in the process. I will fix it.

I am a stronger individual because I now refuse to just accept what is not right. I fight for myself and will no longer back down. I have been through the worst possible thing in my life when you died, and the process I was forced to go through. I now refuse to allow others in my life that may cause me harm. Thank you for giving me the strength to put myself first and to say no.

I feel powerful when I think about being your mom. Powerful because you give me the courage to accomplish things that others would never dare to take on. I will move mountains in your memory. I promise you.

I also feel completely lost without you my sweet baby boy. How crazy that I can feel strong and powerful, while also feeling so empty and broken. You have the ability to make me feel every emotion. I will miss you for the rest of my life. I say that with absolute certainty.

I never understood the kind of love I have for you was possible, and I will never understand why you were taken from me. Your dad and I would have given you the world.

But I will continue to work to be a stronger woman, a stronger mother. I will give you the world the only way I can, by creating change in your memory. By giving back, in your memory. And by being the best person I can be, in your memory.

You are a beautiful soul my sweet Kellan, and I love you more than words can express. You KAL, are my legacy.

Love, Your Mom