back to work

“Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind.”

–Marcel Proust

Each day I wake up before my alarm goes off. I’m not sure why, but I don’t mind. Today I woke up early and got to catch the last period of Scott’s exhibition hockey game in Russia. Team NAHL won 3-1. I was so happy for him. Winning is what he loves.

My first working Monday in 6.5 weeks. I had the perfect outfit picked out for today – black and gray of course. I finished it off with my KAL necklace, a motivational bracelet, and the signature Tiffany Langer dark lip. The lipstick is called Diva, I think it’s very fitting.

Since school is starting back up, everyone enjoys taking back to school pictures of their kids. I decided I deserved a back to work photo. I had my friend take a picture of me with my Retailers’ bag and sent it in an e-mail to my co-workers and our board of directors. Tiffany Langer is officially back to work.

Today was a good day. I stayed focused and accomplished tasks. I held meetings, and enjoyed conversations. My first day back, and a new business in town joined the Retailers based on our mission. I still have my passion. I am different, but it’s still there. It felt really great to work today – it was a victory.

I enjoyed dinner with my parents and discussed my day and my upcoming trip to Russia. They encouraged me to make lists and pack early. We’ll see. I’m guessing I’ll pack Thursday night/Friday morning. Some things don’t change. It makes me laugh.

Sitting at home tonight with Sophie, I decided to do my favorite thing when Scott is gone – watch all my favorite tv shows that he hates. First up, 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way. I cuddled up with my remote and a bag of chocolate treats my mom made me. This turned out to be a terrible idea.

What I sometimes forget is that a good day can turn rough in a split second. You’d think I’d know that by now. Something as silly as a reality television show can trigger a feeling you didn’t even realize was there. The show tonight featured a c-section birth of a healthy baby boy. When he came out crying, I instantly flashed back to the birth of my silent baby boy. What a painful, horrific memory.

The dad on the show was watching from South Korea on video conference. They showed him crying from fear and worry as his son was born. All I could picture was my own husband as he watched our son come into this world. His face during Kellan’s delivery is something I will never forget. As I looked up at Scott and cried, I remember I kept saying how sorry I was. I was so so sorry. I still am.

Against my better judgement, I kept watching the show. These idiotic couples who have been together for what seems like a minute, fight and struggle nonstop. The show highlights their lack of jobs, inability to support their babies, infidelity, and desire to divorce. Their irresponsibility and selfishness just boggles my mind. I get it’s reality tv and over-exaggerated, but it just made me so angry. Angry, sad, and resentful.

Wow this was a dumb show for me to watch.

I can’t help but wonder: how are people able to bring children into this world when they are in horrible situations…while others can’t have a kid they so desperately want, when they are fully prepared and ready? It’s just insane to me.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t wish anything bad for any of these people. I would never. It just kills me to realize I don’t get to have my baby. The entire time I can’t help but question, why did my child get taken from me? I can hear Scott now, all the way from Russia, “Don’t be jealous or resentful, just realize how fortunate other people are.”

I don’t know how he does it. I admire him so much.

Here’s the deal though, I can’t change what happened. I will never understand why, and I don’t think I will ever come to terms with it either. But I have to take my victories as they come. I have to celebrate the little victories.

So as I await my husband waking up in Russia to start his day, I’ll remember my awesome first full day back at work. I’ll think about his first international coaching win. I’ll be thankful for the love I received throughout the day, the wonderful dinner with my parents, and the homemade treats my mom surprised me with. I’ll focus on planning my day out for tomorrow.

And yet again I learned my lesson on grief hitting when you least expect it. I will do my best to channel that grief into healing and power. I got this.