I am different now. I am a survivor.
“Almost every sinful action ever committed can be traced back to a selfish motive. It is a trait we hate in other people but justify in ourselves. ”― Stephen Kendrick
The 5 stages of grief is so interesting. It’s also so very misunderstood.
I just recently purchased a book called “The Grief Recovery Handbook”. It’s a program that was suggested to me, and I’m looking forward to starting it. I plan on writing about it in the future, but for those wanting to see it now, here’s the link to it: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0061686077/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Before I start the program, I thought I’d reflect back on a stage of grief it feels like I keep going back to: anger.
When you hear about the anger phase, you immediately assume the anger is going to be about the situation at hand. The death of Kellan. The fact that I carried my son for 36 weeks and had a lifetime of hopes and dreams for him that will never happen. But I’m not angry that Kellan died. I’m sad. I’m devastated. I’m heartbroken. I recognize that.
While I’m not angry about Kellan’s death, I am still angry. I’m angry at the selfish and thoughtless people around me. That’s who I’m angry at. The people who I thought cared and loved me, who then showed their cards in the worst moments of my life. When they say you find out who you friends are, they aren’t lying.
And it makes me angry. And then I get angry with myself that I waste energy on people who don’t deserve it. I just didn’t realize that I would feel this way. So betrayed. So disappointed in others. So confused and lost that I didn’t realize I meant so little to those who meant so much to me.
The selfishness others display is mind-boggling. Maybe they don’t realize they are being selfish? Maybe they don’t care. I suppose in some crazy world maybe one could think that 9 weeks is enough time for me to have moved forward and to be ok. Every single thing that is said to me SHOULD be done with thought, love, and care. But it’s not.
I have to try and remember, people are selfish. They will do what is best for them when it comes down to it. It still makes me angry.
The most insane part to me, is when those who know they hurt or harm me, play the victim. Then they move forward with their lives like everything is completely normal and they did nothing wrong. Like our friendship never existed; I’m just another person existing in the world. It disgusts me.
Sometimes it feels like things are intentionally said or done by others to purposely hurt me. I truly hope I’m wrong about this, and it’s just my head lying to me. I feel like I’ve already been hurt enough to last a lifetime.
It’s a tough lesson in life when you lose a child. Probably the toughest lesson in any lifetime. A lesson in how precious life is. A lesson about who you are. A lesson about who others are. These things I never knew I’d have to learn the hard way. It sucks. It’s my reality.
I’ve always thought of myself as a person who can read people and circumstances really well. My gut is rarely wrong. This can be rough on me, because I know right away my gut feeling on a situation or person. But your gut doesn’t take into account when a trauma occurs, how others might be. My gut didn’t warn me. I didn’t see any of this coming.
I don’t write about this anger to be a victim or to get pity from others. I am not a victim. I got handed several horrible situations in a very short time, and I am dealing with them and navigating them the best I can. I’ll leave the victim status to the selfish ones. I’m in fact a survivor.
I’m a survivor of loss. I’m a survivor of pain. I’m a survivor of selfish actions. I will survive.
I truly hope this post helps you if you are reading it, and you know someone going through a loss of any kind. I hope it helps you to understand what that person may be feeling. I hope it helps you understand to approach the person with care, with love, and with selflessness when possible. Your actions and words matter – both good and bad. Even if they aren’t your best friend or you aren’t overly close to them. You can be a painful person in their life, or you can be a hero. The choice is yours. Help them survive.
The anger phase is very real, but it isn’t how it appears. Anger can appear in many different ways, and it’s hard to process. The most enlightening aspect of anger? It’s mostly pain, disappointment, and a broken heart, that is being masked with anger.
I’ve talked about this before: I’m not sure I’m actually angry. I am devastated. I am heartbroken. And it’s so much easier to be angry than to feel those emotions. So much easier to be angry than to admit that others have caused me such pain. Maybe that’s what the anger phase is actually all about?
My son died 9 weeks ago, and it truly feels like other parts of my life continue to die. But I am going to force myself to look at the bigger picture. To embrace the endings. I am strong and I will create beauty out of this horrible mess. I will make a difference in other’s lives. I will continue to be a good friend, and do for others whenever I can. I will love with all that is left of my broken heart.
Most importantly: I will do my best to let go of my anger. It is not worth the energy, and it does not help or benefit me in any way. I know this.
I am different now. I am a survivor.