P.S. Thank you again for choosing me.
“No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before we knew it, and only God knows why.”– Unknown
The day I lost you, was the worst day of my life. Thinking about it hurts almost as badly as living it. But I have to think about it, because I want to remember you. I will always remember you.
We went into a routine 36 week appointment to see you. I remember thinking I wanted to get a good profile picture of you. It turns out, I was going to see your beautiful face just 24 hours later. I was going to get to hold you. And then I was going to have to say goodbye to you forever.
I had just had a baby shower for you 3 days before. We celebrated you. You were gifted the most beautiful items and books. You were so loved my sweet Kellan. You are still so loved.
I remember hearing my doctor tell me to turn to my side when she was trying to find your heartbeat at the end of the appointment. I knew you were gone. I could tell. It was the worst feeling in the world. I could feel my heart shatter into a million pieces.
I was so sad. Sad for me, sad for your dad, sad for your grandparents. I was so sad for everyone. I am still so sad. I am mostly sad for the life you don’t get to live. The amazing life we had all dreamed for you. Kellan, you were going to have the best life. I know you have an amazing life in Heaven now. The best life. But I selfishly want you here. I can’t help it.
I remember hearing the doctor go over the steps we would be taking next, and getting a purple folder that talked about bereavement. The worst part was calling your grandparents. I hated that part so much Kellan. I can still hear their voices. My heart still breaks thinking of their hearts breaking.
I remember thinking as it was all happening that I wanted to stop it all. I wanted to freeze time so I could just think and try to understand. I just needed time. To try and stop it. I remember also wishing time would speed up so it would all be over with. I was so lost Kellan. I still feel lost some days.
There were so many moments I remember wishing I could go back 24 hours. Maybe there was some kind of sign I could have looked for, some kind of warning. I wanted so badly Kellan to give you life again. To feel you move. I just love you so much. If only love was enough.
I truly did not embrace my pregnancy with you like I should have. I was annoyed that I couldn’t eat certain things, and frustrated about the Gestational Diabetes. I missed wine, and I was embarrassed by how my clothes fit. I missed my favorite leather pants. And then I lost it all so suddenly, and I hated myself for ever feeling that way.
Kellan, I hated myself so much. I hated my body for failing me. For failing you. I am getting better at forgiving myself. But I still have my days. I just want you so badly still. It hurts so much missing you the way I do.
The day I lost you I woke up late. I had to rush around to get to the doctor in time. I had no idea that you were gone. I had no idea that I would hold you so soon. You were so perfect. I hope you know how perfect you are.
I wish I could hold you again.
The day I lost you will forever be engraved in my mind. Every single moment, every single aspect, every single feeling. I will never forget, I promise you. I wrote every detail down, so that even someday when I am gone, the story is written. Your story.
I heard something a few weeks ago that made me so happy. A friend told me that you chose me to be your mom. You chose me. And now as your mom, I get to make you proud. I love thinking about you choosing me to be your mom. Thank you for choosing me.
I have created a lot of things in this world. Things I am incredibly proud of. But you, my sweet Kellan, are the greatest thing I have ever created. I am so proud to be your mommy.
The day I lost you changed my entire world. It changed the way I look at the world, the way I handle situations, and even the people I have in my life. The day I lost you started the first day of having to live the rest of my life without you. A life I never knew was possible. A life I never wanted to know.
I thought I would forever hate the day I lost you, but I won’t. I refuse to hate anything associated with you Kellan. I will celebrate you, I will remember you, and I will spread love for you. You chose me as your mom to make your mark in this world, and I promise you I will.
I will never understand why I lost you. I will forever love you.
Love, Your Mom
P.S. Thank you again for choosing me.