“And sometimes, against all odds, against all logic, we still hope.”– Unknown
Don’t worry….this post has a happy ending. But to say this past week was rough would be an real understatement.
It started out Monday with a call from the hospital billing department. I had asked them for help trying to understand my bill, because it didn’t match with what my insurance had sent me. They told me I would need to sit down at the hospital with a “patient advocate” and go line by line with them so they could explain it to me.
Oh joy, just what I wanted to do….can’t wait for that.
Monday just continued to be one of those days. Gut punch after gut punch. That’s what I call it when something happens that hurts Scott or I. It feels like we get punched in the gut. A comment, a picture we see, or maybe a song. Sometimes it happens several times a day. We never know when it’s coming, but we do know that the best thing we can do after a gut punch is continue to move forward. So we do.
Scott and I live our lives and appear so normal to people, but we struggle. I honestly think that’s one of the hardest parts of the gut punches. We do our best to look and act as though our lives are the way they’ve always been…because what else are we supposed to do? Our new version of a “great day”, is just an “okay day”. And that’s just how it is.
So then Tuesday and Wednesday came, and they were okay days. I got things accomplished. I was really looking forward to the weekend. An event I have awaiting for weeks was taking place, the Mothers of Angels Remembrance Walk, and I was asked to lead the walk. I was so incredibly honored. Scott would be out of town for hockey in Minot, so my friends from KC were coming into town to support and walk with me. I finally let myself be truly excited for something.
Then, South Dakota weather happened. Snow. Ice. Wind.
Every single thing I’d been looking forward to for the weekend was cancelled. My friends had to cancel their trip, the walk was potentially getting cancelled, and my gut was punched real hard. I finally let myself get excited for something, and yet again, it ended up not working out. I cried in Scott’s arms before he had to leave for hockey. The feeling of being let down over and over just really hurt.
Scott’s hockey games in Minot ended up getting cancelled. They got 30 minutes outside of town and turned around. Turns out, the weather in North Dakota was even more crazy than ours. I’ll talk about my newfound anxiety over him traveling in another post later this week….boy was I surprised at that stage of grief they don’t tell you about.
Needless to say, the weekend did not turn out as the amazing, exciting weekend that I had planned. It was nothing like I had imagined for the last few weeks. But as I look back and reflect, some really good things happened, and I should be grateful. I had my husband home safe with me, I got to work in my store that was busy with lots of new customers, and we got to eat dinner with my parents each night. Oh, and the walk didn’t get cancelled, just postponed – to a weekend that Scott will be home for.
I also got two unexpected surprises this weekend. The first was from Casey – a coffee cup to remind me she loves me, and a necklace with Kellan’s handprint & name….on the state of South Dakota…with his birthstone where Aberdeen is. It is incredible. I cried.
My good friends from Topeka, Katie and David, made me cry again (this used to not be an easy thing to do). They created Random Acts of Kindness Cards for Kellan. Anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE doing Random Acts of Kindness. To be honest, it could be my most favorite thing to do in my life. For my birthday this year, I did 33 Random Acts of Kindness in memory of Blake Cazier. And right after Kellan died, doing Random Acts of Kindness were one thing that helped me get out of bed each day.
I had planned to do acts on the 15th, as it’s Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. But to have these little cards, with Kellan’s name and a hashtag associated to them so I can follow the different acts, made it so incredible for me.
I decided, why wait until the 15th? It’s a remembrance month as well, so I started today. I did 6 Random Acts of Kindness to spread awareness in remembrance of my little boy. What an unbelievable feeling. I like to think of it as the reverse gut punch.
Will you join me in spreading love, as well as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness, with Random Acts of Kindness for Kellan? Below are the cards you can print to give with your Random Act, and then comment on this post with a picture to spread awareness & share with me! You can also post on social media with the hashtag #KellanKares – it will be amazing to see who we reach! The idea that my son will inspire people to do wonderful things for others, inspires me even more.
I can’t even explain what this means to me. If Kellan was here, I would do my best to show him how to give back. And so I know in my heart, this means the world to him too. Kellan Kares….