If only I could.
“It’s OKAY to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.”– Mandy Hale
I’ve been meaning to write this post for about a week now. If I’m being honest, I’ve just been struggling.
Life is hard. I feel like we’re always told that, but I guess I’m just feeling it a little extra. I just really wish I could have Kellan back, and I can’t. I think about it every single day, at least once per hour.
One stage of grief that doesn’t exist in the normal “stages” is anxiety. The amount of anxiety I’m feeling in regards to certain situations has been something I’ve never dealt with before. Anxiety is hard to deal with.
When the snowstorm hit a week and a half ago, the hockey team’s bus Scott was on, had to turn around 30 minutes outside of town. The idea of him going back on the road in bad weather made me physically ill, and I honestly freaked out. I couldn’t let it go, I was inconsolable. I was terrified at the idea of losing him, and so I lost it. Several times.
This was the first time in the 10 years we’ve been together that I’ve done this, and I pray it’s the last. I have a feeling it won’t be, and I feel so bad for him having to deal with me. But I can’t help it. I’m so scared.
I also get terrible anxiety about my parents and the idea of losing them. I worry every single day about it. It’s a horrible feeling and I hate it. But I can’t help it, I am legitimately terrified. Just the idea of having to deal with another tragedy of that magnitude is almost as devastating to me as Kellan’s death. I absolutely cannot do it.
And I feel crazy. I realize I’m being unreasonable. I know I can’t logically control the weather that Scott is traveling through, or protect him and my parents at all times. But I wish I could. It gives me such extreme anxiety. It’s horrible.
I think because I couldn’t control what happened to Kellan, or keep him safe – I am fighting with my own brain over the idea of keeping my loved ones around me safe. When I can’t get a hold of one of them, even if I think I know where they are, I freak out inside and my mind goes wild.
Nobody told me it would be like this. The stages of grief are for sure missing some stages.
I realize that I have to continue to fight through my anxiety and fear, and I will. I also realize that there are things that happen that are out of my control, but I guess that’s what’s scary. And I just have to accept it. But it’s easier said than done.
I’m for sure a work in progress.
I have come to find that we are living in a world of harsh people. We want others to move on and get over things, without understanding that people heal differently. We subconsciously put these time stamps on different life events, and think that because it’s been months or years since an event happened, that people should be over it.
We all have grief over things that happen to us. The death of a child, a loved one, a pet. The loss of a job, the ending of friendship, a breakup, a divorce. We all have to take time to heal, and no one has the right to tell you how long it should take you to heal. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel that you should “get over it or move on”. Most times we don’t move on anyway, we move forward.
It’s been 3 months, 19 days, 10 hours, 37 minutes, 8 seconds since my sweet little boy Kellan Albert Langer died.
111 days, 10 hours, 37 minutes and 8 seconds.
It still hurts the exact same. I can feel it in my soul, like the pain is forever burned into to.
So the next time you expect yourself, or someone else to “move on or get over” something, just stop. I’ve learned through my healing process – one type of tragedy is not more deserving of healing time than another. We shouldn’t compare ourselves or our situations to others like they’re the same. We each deserve whatever time we need to grieve, however we need it.
Every time I meet someone who has gone through something and they’re grieving, they almost always tell me it’s not as bad as what I’m going through. I always try to stop them, and give them love. While the situations aren’t usually the same, they have every right to grieve too, and I tell them that. We all need love.
We as humans deserve better when it comes to our mental health.
It’s okay to be sad, or mad, or hurt. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to get counseling. It’s okay to take time to heal. Always remember that.
And if someone is being mean to you for grieving when they think “you should be over it”, try removing them from your life for a bit – I bet you won’t miss them. And if you’re frustrated with someone for grieving the way they are, just try to understand that they handle things differently than you – and that’s okay. Try to give them love.
And now to end on something more positive. #KellanKares has been absolutely incredible. I truly believe we are changing lives and making a difference.
The amount of texts, pictures, and love shared with me has been special. It’s remarkable that we can take such a tragic situation and spread love and kindness. It’s what Kellan deserves and I am forever thankful I get to do this for my little boy.
Also in great news: I met Erin Ballard! If you missed my blog post that was motivated by her strength, here’s the link: https://strengthingrief.com/2019/08/02/today-was-a-good-day/
She works for the Aberdeen American News and is writing a story on #KellanKares! I am so very excited to read her words about what we’re doing. Erin is an incredible woman, and I admire her so much. I truly believe she was placed in my life, and I am so thankful to know her. Erin Ballard, you rock.
I will continue to do Random Acts of Kindness for Kellan, especially for the rest of the month. I want to thank everyone who has done them, those of you who inspire others to do them, and those of you who continue to do them. Here’s a video my friend Katie made of all of the acts, and we’ll update it at the end of the month: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOQbDMaNc2I&feature=youtu.be
The impact on the world is huge, and it is so wonderful to know it is inspired by my little boy. While I am forever grateful to be able to make these huge impacts – I would give it up, all of it. I would give up the world and everything I have to bring Kellan back.
So hug your loved ones a little tighter, and remember how fortunate you are to have them with you. I would hold Kellan forever. If only I could.