i’m trying

”We need to grieve the ones we have loved and lost in this lifetime — not to sustain our connection to suffering, but to sustain our connection to love.”

-J.W.

I wish I could write how wonderful life is, and how much better things are. But I promised to be honest. At least I’m still writing. If I’m being honest, I don’t want to write. But I need to.

I have been a part of some truly wonderful events in the last week, and I am beyond thankful for them. The most important of them all – my dear friends Audra & Zach’s wedding.

Audra is a sister to me. She has been a huge support system in my life. The love and care she has given me after Kellan died has been indescribable. She has been truly selfless. To be able to not only attend, but officiate her wedding was such an honor to me. It was a beautiful ceremony, and I couldn’t be happier for these two remarkable souls.

I’ve also had some pretty tough things happen lately. Sophie had some medical issues, and I was terrified it was something serious that would take her from me. After a few vet visits, a procedure, and some serious meds – she’s doing better. But seriously…I cannot lose Sophie right now.

My days continue to be up and down. Each day I hear comments that just kill me inside. There hasn’t been one day without a comment. I know the majority of people who say them don’t even know what’s going on in my life, but it still hurts the same.

I think about what I may have said in the past to someone like me. I’m so sorry for the pain I may have caused. I just didn’t know.

I wonder if I will ever have a day without the pain.

I hate feeling bitter. I really do. I walk around this life and see people who get to have multiple children, and I can’t help but struggle with understanding why my son had to die. I don’t want to feel this way, so it sucks even worse. I feel frustrated with myself. I never know when I will feel this way, or why, it just happens. Sometimes I’m bitter, sometimes I’m ok. It just hits me.

I hope I’m not bitter forever.

I have been thinking about a lot of things in the last few weeks. About what makes me happy, what hurts my heart, the people in my life I miss…and those I don’t. How I can try to create happiness in this world while living in my sadness.

I’ve come to realize a few things.

First, we use the term friend much too lightly. I am going to work on this. Just because people are in our lives, and have a similar social circle, does not mean they are our friends. In fact, more than likely, they are not.

I found that when you identify your friends, who understand you and get you through good times & bad, keep them as close as you possibly can. I can feel the love from my friends near and far, and I am so grateful.

I’ve realized my parents and husband are my lifelines. I am unsure how I would survive without them. This is also terrifying – I am scared to lose them constantly.

I have been a more honest and open person, and I’m proud of myself for it. While I know people aren’t always ready for it, if I’m asked how I feel or think, I am honest. I’m not sure others love this, but it feels very freeing.

And lastly, spreading happiness. I will continue to do Random Acts of Kindness, and spread love whenever possible. And when I’m at my lowest, I am going to try my best to hold up my head, and do something to make another person happy. Here are the updated year round #KellanKares cards, for those who would like to join me:

I wish I had more inspiring or uplifting words. Just know, I’m trying. My goal for this week is to put together a list of things I’d like to accomplish by the end of the year. I like goals.

For now, I just watch the world around me continue to move, while mine stands still. Maybe one of these days my world will move at the same speed again.

I can only hope.