thanksgiving

“It’s difficult for me to imagine the rest of my life without you. But I suppose I don’t have to imagine it… I just have to live it”

-Ranata Suzuki

Yet again, I don’t want to write. But I need to, because I know it helps me. It’s just hard, because it always makes me cry. And I’m so sick of crying.

Oh well, here we go, tears and all.

2 teenage girls, 15 and 18, died in a car accident this past week. They were from a town about 30 miles from Aberdeen. I instantly felt for their parents, family, and friends. It made me think of my nephew Timmy and the horrific car accident that took his life at 15.

The devastating loss of these 2 young ladies isn’t what I want to talk about though, it’s the ignorant comment I read on the news story about the accident.

“Poor family, during the holidays.”

How in the world is a tragic loss that happens on a random day any easier to deal with than one that happens over the holidays? Do people REALLY think that? Please tell me they don’t.

If you think that losing Kellan on July 4th made it harder, that is FALSE. Every single day is hard. If he died on August 4th, it would not have been any easier.

Please people, let’s not say ignorant things like this. Losing a loved one during the holidays is not any more difficult than losing a loved one on a random day. It all sucks horribly bad. It’s not about the day, it’s about the loss.

Moving on…

The South Dakota snow decided to ruin yet another trip. Casey, her dad, and Olivia were supposed to spend Thanksgiving in Aberdeen. We had so many plans. Casey is a planner. We already had every meal planned, activities organized, and even a best friend photoshoot scheduled.

Nebraska, Iowa, & South Dakota had other plans: 8-11 inches of snow and blizzard like conditions. While I adore her for being willing to try, the weather just wasn’t going to cooperate. There’s no way I wanted her to risk the drive – it just wouldn’t be worth it. But it just sucked.

This is going to sound horrible, but it’s the truth: I am starting to just expect to be let down. For some reason, I’ve been let down a lot the last 5 months. If I prepare myself for it mentally, it seems easier to handle. It is what it is.

I promise I’m not ungrateful. I have watched so much love get spread in the name of my son, and I am forever thankful for it. But it just feels like when I really let myself look forward to something, or trust in someone, they tend to let me down. Maybe it’s always been like this, and I’m just more aware now?

My parent’s 35th wedding anniversary was on Monday. 35 years. It’s hard to believe. In February of 2020, they are finally getting to go on the honeymoon they never took and I am so happy for them. I’m also terrified for them to leave me for a week.

Thanksgiving was uneventful – which was nice. My mom made the meats and desserts, and I made the sides. We enjoyed each other like always – because my parents are the best.

If I’m being honest though, I just don’t want to celebrate anything right now. Who cares about the holidays? Not me. Kellan’s death doesn’t make holidays hard, it just makes life in general hard. My life is just hard.

I’ve never really been a holiday person. I think I’ve always disliked Christmas. I love giving presents year round, and randomly. I’m not really a fan of a holiday when you’re expected to give things to people. I’m a real Grinch….but I still always give gifts. Go figure.

Last weekend at the hockey game, I was laughing with a friend about something. I then randomly looked around at all of the people around me…and I wondered, do they think I’m done grieving because I am laughing?

I read an article the other day that I thought was spot on about this. It talked about the myth that if someone who is grieving seems happy, they must be finished grieving.

I will stop grieving Kellan’s death when I stop loving him, which is never.

My grief will never stop.

Just because someone seems happy in a moment, does not mean they are better. Please remember this.

And if you know someone who is grieving, even a death that was years ago, check in with them. See how they’re doing. Let them know you’re thinking of them. They will appreciate it.

The more we talk about grief, the more we acknowledge the pain, the more we hopefully move forward. Not move on, but forward.

At that same hockey game, a young lady I know through hockey approached me. She shared a story with tears in her eyes about how she was having a hard time at school. She decided to try what I was doing, and do Random Acts of Kindness with #KellanKares cards, to help her through her hard time. She wanted to share with me how much better it made her feel, and the impact it had in not just her life, but the lives of the people she did the acts of kindness for.

And I stood at the game and cried with her. I’m so thankful she shared her story with me. How special that my son gets to impact people in such a strong way. He is truly an angel.

I am forever thankful for you KAL.