goodbye my love

“If you have a dog, you will most likely outlive it; to get a dog is to open yourself to profound joy and, prospectively, to equally profound sadness.”

– Marjorie Garber

Sophia Lee Logue Langa the First.

That’s what her dad calls her. He also gave her a southern accent, and made sure he always called her a lady when she’d cross her legs while laying down. I loved calling her Miss Lee.

Sophie, our little terrier pup, has been the light of our lives for the last 10 years. Tomorrow at 1:30 pm we will have to say goodbye to my love. We were told today after watching her health decline over the last month, that she had full kidney failure.

As much as I want to keep her around, it’s selfish thinking and I know that. In the last week she has become disoriented, confused, and can barely walk or stand at times. I have to let her go. I have to let her rest.

She was 5 when I adopted her, and had been a puppy mill breading dog. She had never tasted a treat before, her hair was long and matted, and she didn’t bark for the first 6 months I had her. For the next 10 years of her life we spoiled, loved, and adored her. She was our princess.

Sophie was our first baby. She was a huge piece of every major life event for us. She had my engagement ring on her collar, and was even in our wedding. I will miss her forever. I hope that Kellan is the first person that greets her. I hope he can’t wait to see her. She will love him, and he will love her.

I’m not sure why this world is so cruel to me this year. It feels like I just can’t breath. Every time I turn a corner, something else happens. I feel like I’m just waiting for the next hit.

I don’t want to lose my ability to have hope in happiness, but it gets hard.

I tell myself often how fortunate we are. We have each other, a wonderful family, and are surrounded by people who love us. But it also makes me think, we have so much more to lose. I am so thankful for what we do have, but I’m also terrified.

Knowing what tomorrow brings makes me sick. I am devastated, I am broken, I am lost.

Who would have thought I’d feel the loss of another child so soon. That is what this is to me. The loss of my child all over again.

My entire heart is shattering.

I have so many things to talk about. So much has been on my mind the last two weeks. And yet, it all seems so pointless to me tonight as I cuddle for the last night with my Sophie. Tonight we fed her McDonald’s chicken nuggets, fries, and ice cream. She loved it.

I know my tears will never dry. But my broken heart will still beat. And my life will continue. The world will continue to move forward and it will feel horrible as I stand and watch.

I’ve been here before. I just didn’t see myself back here so soon. Yet again wishing I could pause the world.

So tomorrow, Tuesday December 17th, at 1:30pm CST, please send love to me, Scott, our family, and our sweet Sophie. Our world will be shattered once again, as this precious dog leaves us.

Sometimes I think people forget that Scott is a grieving dad. People think of me, but not him. Please be gentle with him, he is hurting as well and is just as devastated as I am. He struggles too, and deserves just as much care as me. I wish others would realize that.

So I must go now and lay next to Sophie and give her as much love as I possibly can. I will give her all of the hugs and kisses, and enjoy every moment I have with her.

I love you so much sweet Sophie – please kiss Kellan for me.