run away

“Work is when you confront the problems you might otherwise be tempted to run away from.”

– Rolf Potts

Somedays I wish I could run away.

Run away to an island with people that have no children. Where I don’t have to be constantly surrounded with pregnancy announcements, pregnancy bumps, baby pictures, and baby happiness. It’s just so exhausting.

Everywhere I turn, it’s there. I will never escape it. It’s never-ending. I wonder if it was always like this, and I just didn’t notice? I’m not sure.

I need to delete snapchat.

One would think that hearing about women who have lost children during pregnancy…and have went on to have healthy children would be be comforting. But I think lately it’s been harder for me to hear those stories. Because I’m not in that point in my life, and what if I don’t get that happy ending? What if I never have another child?

And when people say….don’t think like that…you’ll get your happy ending Tiff. YOU DON’T KNOW THAT. I mean seriously, we also never thought my kid would die when I was 36 weeks pregnant. So how about everyone else just thinks positive thoughts for me – and I’ll keep thinking my scared thoughts. Nothing anyone says to me will change the thoughts in my head right now. I wish it would.

I’m in this limbo phase of my life. It’s shitty.

Tonight I started to get angry. Just thinking about so many things, so many situations. And then I stopped myself. I’m not angry, I’m sad. I’m scared. And when I’m honest with myself I start to breakdown and cry – because I need to and I’ve been holding it in. And I needed to let it out.

It’s so much easier to be angry.

Is it sad that every time I hear from someone unexpectedly, I expect it to be news that will hurt me? I always brace myself before I open the message, ready for the blow. I’ve found that it’s just easier to do this than to be blindsided. I wish I could ignore news that will hurt me. Obviously this is not realistic and I know that. But it would still be nice sometimes.

The last time I wrote, I had to say goodbye to my love – Sophie. She has been gone for 10 days now and I still miss her horribly. Coming home to a house without her is absolutely miserable. Watching her leave this world was so painful. I could genuinely feel my broken heart shatter into a million pieces yet again.

I think losing Sophie was equally as hard as Kellan. I’m not sure people will understand me on this, and that’s ok. But I spent 1/3 of my life with Sophie. My entire adult life after college. She was such a huge part of my life, she was my child. I knew the joy of having her with me, so to lose her was devastating. I understood her death would be hard, but I was not expecting the pain to be so severe. It was soul crushing.

She helped me survive my loss of Kellan. And then I lost her.

The day after we lost Soph, I got a very special delivery to my store. Whoever felt it in their heart to send this to me, thank you. Thank you for this beautiful sign of love.

I had told Scott I wasn’t sure how quickly I could get another dog, and he supported me. But the next day it hit me. While no animal could ever replace Sophie, in order to move forward, we needed another animal in our life to give love to.

And I found Maisey.

Maisey was in Houston, TX at a high kill shelter, 1 day from being euthanized. She got rescued by a shelter in Minnesota, and was being fostered. Her foster mom met us halfway and we picked her up a week ago. She is 1 year old, potty trained, loves to nap, and is such a love. I still miss Sophie more than I can explain, but I know she is so happy that we saved another dog.

Meet Maisey:

Maisey has changed our lives in the last week and I think Kellan and Sophie sent her to us. I hope they are smiling down watching us with her, thankful they put us together.

I know they are.

Christmas was spent with my parents, and we made homemade pasta. Scott surprised me with an amazing new Macbook Pro and I was absolutely blown away. He is the most thoughtful and generous human. I’m not sure how I got so fortunate that he chose me to spend this life with.

I’ve never liked Christmas. I guess I’m just not a fan of a holiday where you’re expected to give gifts. I like giving gifts randomly and out of love – not because I’m supposed to.

I do like that I get to spend time with my family, so I will take that as a win.

I remind myself daily how fortunate I am. I have had some horrible things happen to me in the last 6 months, but I still see how much worse it could always be. I very much recognize that bad things happen to people daily, and it’s not just me. I see the big picture, and I am proud of myself for that. I am thankful for all I have.

But I still wish I could run away, even if it was just for a few hours a week. Sadly, that’s not real life, and I can’t run away.

So I’ll just keep moving forward – and I’ll continue to work on myself. One day at a time.