6 months later

“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.”

–Earl Grollman

I have so many thoughts all of the time. So many emotions. Yet I just couldn’t get myself to write. So tonight I picked up my computer and decided it was time.

Saturday, January 4th would have been Kellan’s 6 month birthday. I’m not sure many people remembered, because if I’m being honest – everyone’s life goes on. That’s the reality, and I can’t be upset about that.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe that I have lived 6 months in this world without him. My heart aches for him. I feel actual aching pain. I spent January 4th doing Random Acts of Kindness, and spreading love in Aberdeen. It’s all I could do.

It’s been 6 months, 15 days, 10 hours, 20 minutes, 44 seconds since my sweet Kellan lifelessly entered this world and changed me forever.

28 weeks.

199 days, 10 hours, 20 minutes and 44 seconds.

4786 hours.

287,180 minutes.

17,230,844 seconds.

And I miss him the same as the first moment I held him. I just want him back.

I also really want Sophie back. I miss her terribly.

I often wonder if people who have never experienced a tragic loss understand how truly fortunate they are. Or maybe the have no clue that they’ve never actually experienced a tragic loss? Maybe we all define tragedy differently? I will always remember the feeling of losing my nephew in 2016 and realizing how naive I had been throughout my life. Little did I know…it could still be so much worse.

Life is a fascinating thing. I think all of the time about how it all works, and I have to remind myself that I will never understand it. I will never make sense of the craziness. I wish I could so badly.

I often wish I could see into the future, just a little. So I could know what was in store for me. So I could see the light. I just want so badly to know there is happiness coming, and not just because everyone says it will come. I want to know. I want to see it coming. I think that’s me just wanting control over something.

I wish I had powerful words to talk about how much I’ve moved forward in the last 6 months, but I just don’t. I still feel like I’m watching the world spin, while I stand still. I’m trying.

I feel like all I see is happiness around me. It’s exhausting.

I remember telling myself how much better I would feel as time went by. I just needed time to pass. What a silly thing to think. I don’t think I actually feel any better then I did in July – I think I’m just more numb. It is what it is, and I’ve accepted that.

The most important thing I can say about these past 6 months, is that I am living. I am doing my best always. I am learning more about myself, and pushing myself in ways I didn’t know were possible. I promise, I am always trying.

And no matter what, I continue to hope for the future.