this is my life

“Tears water our growth.”

William Shakespeare

I just got news tonight that made my head spin. I originally thought after it all happened, I am done with my blog. I am done writing and putting my life out there. I wanted to shut myself off to the world, because I wanted to protect myself and stop being vulnerable. But then I realized – I have to write, because it’s fresh and it’s real. And I want to help others, and I want to be honest with myself. That’s how it should be. I need to share what’s happening in my life.

Bare with me, these feelings are very raw tonight.

For the first time in 7 months, I had planned to go back to Topeka & Kansas City this weekend. Spend time with Olivia, check on my store, and just show myself that it’s ok to be there.

I wasn’t going to message any of my friends or tell them I was coming, I was going to just lay low. And then I thought, why? Why are you hiding? So I decided to slowly see if people might be available to get together over a brunch.

I started with one of my closest friends, one that I talk to weekly at a minimum. The convo was pretty normal and I mentioned brunch. Then it came. The dreaded words. She needed to send me an email.

We already went over this in a past post – my fear of opening emails now. I thought I was prepped and ready to read the news that my dear friend was probably pregnant.

What I read, absolutely blew my mind. My friend, one of the best throughout this 7 months, found out she was pregnant 2 days after I lost Kellan. 2 days. She is about to become a mom in a few short weeks, and I am just finding out tonight.

First thoughts? I’m guessing you’re think WOOOOW. Then next thought – how could she ever keep that from you for so long? Why would she continue with your lives like everything is normal and just not mention anything ever?

I am so so so thankful she didn’t.

I think she is remarkable. I think she is selfless. I am now postivie she is one of the very best friends I will ever have in my life.

And I feel terrible. For the last 7 months of her life, she has kept her joy and happiness off social media. She has listened to me and loved me. She has supported me. She has done all of the things that many couldn’t. And I am absolutely blown away that I have people in my life that are willing to go to that extreme for me.

And I am sad. I am sad that I have missed out on these moments with her. I am so sad that I can’t hear about it, or help her, or guide her, or celebrate with her. I hate that I don’t get to be a part of it all. But I can’t, and she not only knows this, but she respects it.

I am scared. What does this mean for us now? How can I just continue acting like she isn’t pregnant and isn’t having a baby? How do I continue to just talk to her like before, leaving out such a huge part of her life? What if I can’t? I am scared that this is who I will be forever.

A broken person who just can’t. And I feel like I continue to lose and miss out on things, because I just can’t. And it sucks. But I can’t.

Am I hurt she didn’t tell me until now? Absolutely not. Unrealistic Tiffany wishes she never told me, and never would have to. Unrealistic Tiffany wishes she could go about her life and never know people are pregnant. But Real Tiffany – she knows better. I wish life was unrealistic sometimes.

I am forever thankful for my friend’s kindness, compassion, and true love for me. She did something that not just anyone (even one who I thought was my best friend) could do – she did what was best for me, on a huge level.

As I sit here and allow the millions of thoughts run through my head – I would be lying if I didn’t say I am a mess. I can’t help but question why? What did I do in this life to deserve this fate? My son is in a box next to me, when he should be sleeping in his beautiful room down the hall. Everyone around me, no matter where I turn, seem to have zero issues having their babies. Multiple babies. All the damn babies. But mine, my sweet precious Kellan is dead.

I can’t help but wonder what I did to deserve this. And then I’m annoyed, because I know what everyone thinks. “You didn’t do anything Tiff. You didn’t deserve this.” I don’t want to hear that anymore.

The worst part of it all, is that I know my husband, my parents, my friends – all feel helpless. How can you help someone when there are literally zero answers? Zero fixes?

It’s fucking impossible.

So here I am. Feeling thankfulness, devastation, love, jealousy, sadness, and basically any emotion a human could feel. I want to run away, but there’s no where to go. I certainly don’t want to be in Topeka or Kansas City any longer.

When I said the world around me is moving and I’m standing still, I wasn’t making up a metaphor. That is my life, and this is my reality.

And to my friend – I love you. Thank you for loving and caring for me like you did. I would give the world for this to be different. I am genuinely sorry I can’t be there for you, and I hope my honesty in this writing gives you peace. You did the right thing. I hope we can talk again soon, but I don’t know when. I just love you so much – and I’m so sorry.

And I hope to those who read this – if you are dealing with a tough situation with a loved one – you give the same kind of love and compassion, and true empathy like I received. It really makes a difference.

This life we live – it’s so damn hard.