8 months later

“Know that when you’ve been covered in darkness, you’ve been planted. Reach for the light. You are growing.”

– J. Lynn

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written – and I promise I will do better. It’s been quite the month.

It’s hard to believe it has been 8 months since I last held my sweet Kellan.

34 weeks.

243 days, 12 hours, 34 minutes and 23 seconds.

5844 hours.

350,674 minutes.

21,040,463 seconds.

It feels like forever, yet it still feels like yesterday. When you experience such excruciating pain, the feeling never leaves you. I wish this type of pain on no one.

I am blown away by the growth I have experienced in the last 8 months. Growth in so many ways. I feel stronger. I feel motivated. But I know I am still vulnerable. I still feel pain and think of my son so much it consumes me. I’ve learned how to fight forward through the pain, and channel Kellan as motivation to drive myself. I like to think it makes me a more well-rounded person.

The last time I wrote, I talked about my amazing pregnant friend who cared enough to put me first, and love me in the way I needed. What a life changing experience that was.

The love she showed me unleashed something inside of me. It gave me strength I didn’t know I had. She showed me that people CAN be selfless and empathy IS real. By showing me this kind of love, it opened my heart to happiness for her. The first time I have felt genuine happiness for someone else since losing Kellan.

You know the story of the Grinch’s heart growing 3 sizes? I know it sounds like a silly comparison, but I’m serious – I felt pieces of my heart coming together again. Just like the day I felt my heart shatter from the loss of Kellan, I could literally feel my heart mending. Love is a powerful thing.

I knew I wanted to talk to my friend again soon, but I wanted to make sure I protected both of our hearts. I took some time and after a week or so, I reached out via e-mail. I wanted to see if she was open to navigating this new situation with me. Of course she was, and she made sure I knew that I was in control. So we wrote a couple e-mails, but it didn’t feel right. For the last 7 months, we had talked on the phone so many times when I was on the road. I missed her. I wanted to talk to her. But could I really do it?

So I did some serious work & reflection (I’ll talk more about this process in a future post). I realized that I was questioning myself about every decision I was making, even when I knew in my heart exactly what I needed to do. I was taking time that I didn’t need to triple think decisions. It’s empowering to recognize something like this about yourself.

So I finally picked up the phone and called her. And we talked. Like everything was normal…because it was. And we revisited the last 7 months of our lives, with the added knowledge that she was pregnant the entire time. And I was absolutely fine, just like I knew I would be. I learned to trust myself again.

Her love helped me grow in such a huge way. I am so thankful for this.

This entire situation confirmed something else for me. The friendship I ended 7 months ago was 100% about horrible & selfish behavior, and 0% about a pregnancy. My feelings and reactions towards this former friend were completely warranted and that’s why I can’t find it in my heart to bring her back in my life. She doesn’t belong in it.

The feeling of closure in this situation feels remarkable. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

So today – 8 months later, I started my first trial with the “in school #KellanKares concept”. At the exact moment Kellan was brought into this world 8 months ago, I was in a 5th grade class spreading a message of love and kindness. We talked about the power of kindness and how we can change the world. I gave the kids my KAL cards, and empowered them to spread kindness to others.

There is no greater feeling than knowing I am making a difference in this world for Kellan.

And I will continue to do what I can to change the world. On Friday, my company Pinned Workshop was awarded the job of rebranding the City of Aberdeen. This job is not only a huge honor for me, but it shows me that I can do anything I put my mind and heart in. My passion for this project is so much bigger than I can describe.

The best part of it all? I will be able to donate a large part of the money earned to begin Kellan’s Foundation. It’s all falling in place and it almost feels surreal. Through my grief and pain, I feel so fortunate. I am so very blessed to be Kellan’s mom.

I made one more huge step in the past month. I finally looked at the pictures of my beautiful son. I’ve decided I want those who read my words to see the precious little boy that inspires all I do. So with tears flowing, I share this very special photo with you.

For the first time, I introduce to you – the most perfect little boy, my love, Kellan Albert Langer.

He looks just like the angel he is.