alone

“When we truly realize that we are all alone is when we need others the most. “

Ronald Anthony

It felt like March was 500 days long.

Yet again, I’ve gone too long without writing. So many thoughts have gone through my head, but sometimes it’s just hard to get myself to write.

And then something will happen. Something that pushes me to open my computer and allow myself to cry the words out of me. So here we are.

In the last week or so I was told about two different women having stillborn babies. I don’t know these women personally, but my heart collapsed. I continued to think about them daily.

And then it happened. As I was sitting in my store, trying to figure out how to reinvent my business, I broke down as I thought about those women. The feeling of being alone is absolutely soul crushing.

And I don’t mean alone like physically. I am surrounded by amazing people.

I mean alone in your thoughts. Alone with your mind racing. Thinking about your child that should be here. Thinking about how horrible it feels to live life without them. Thinking about how no one around you can understand how you feel in this moment. How suffocating it feels. How lonely it feels.

My heart ripped thinking of these women who were just starting this journey. I wish I could just sit in a room with them, so they didn’t feel alone.

If you are one of those women, I hope you know – you are not alone. But I know why it feels like you are. And it’s okay to feel that way. I still feel alone. Even in room full of people. Allow yourself to feel however you need to feel.

And if you are a friend of a woman who lost her baby – just know that your friend might feel alone. And sadly, there’s nothing you can do or say to fix that feeling. It’s better if you don’t try to fix it – but just listen when they need you to.

Just listen and love them. That is all you can do. It might seem small, but it is very powerful.

I have seen so much in the last month with my business, my job, and my life. Each day I face, I know pain will come at some point. It’s a reality I’ve come to know. But there is also a lot of happiness in my days now, and for that I am thankful.

I was working in a small town at the beginning of the month and a woman was telling me about her first grand baby. She was so proud, as she showed me a picture of the beautiful baby boy. She told me how blessed she was, and as I fought back tears – I smiled and told her that yes, she was very blessed.

I hope she knows how much I meant those words. She is so very blessed.

It seems as though somehow I am always surrounded by babies and pregnant women. I am proud of myself for how well I handle my emotions. I listen and carry on conversations for as long as my heart can handle. I do my best. That’s all I can do.

Right now the topic is how horrible it will be if their spouse/significant other/family will not be able to be present for the birth of their child due to the pandemic.

Usually the people talking to me have no idea what I have been through, because why would they? I always answer them the same way – to just remember, as long as their baby comes out healthy, that they are incredibly fortunate and nothing else matters. I believe that 100%.

I’m not sure they will ever actually know how fortunate they really are.

Then tonight, I thought about the women giving birth to stillborns during this pandemic and having to be alone. I lost it. In this moment, just thinking about it – I can barely type my words between tears. How devastating. Even after what I’ve been through, I can’t begin to imagine the pain.

It’s a terrible feeling to know I can’t help them.

This world is a crazy place right now. The situations we are facing are exhausting, and beyond scary. But in this, we are not alone. I read something the other day that I found interesting. The discomfort that we are all feeling right now – it’s grief.

We are grieving the changing world, and not knowing when it will ever feel “normal” again. We are grieving our fear of the economy and what could happen with our jobs and businesses. We are grieving our freedom and the things this pandemic has taken from us. We are fearful and anticipating more grief to come.

And the most unique piece of it all – we are doing it together. We are all grieving.

My best advice – from someone who has done a lot of grieving in the last 9 months – is to let yourself grieve. Let yourself feel the different aspects of it, and recognize that like I said before in this post (https://strengthingrief.com/2019/07/30/5-stages-of-grief/) the stages don’t always happen in order.

Go easy on yourself, and don’t feel guilty for being upset. Check in with those you love, because they are grieving with you. And know, that in this crazy time in our world – no matter how alone we feel – there is someone out there who is going through the exact same thing you are. And I hope knowing that helps you feel a little less alone.

We will walk through this grief together, one day at a time.