one year later

“No matter how long it’s been, there are times when it suddenly becomes harder to breathe.”

Anonymous

I will never forget the moment when our doctor couldn’t find Kellan’s heartbeat.

I will never forget the feeling I felt. The devastating, painful, horrible gut punch.

I will never understand why I am writing a blog post about my son’s death, instead of decorating our home for his first birthday tomorrow.

But that is my life, and something I have come to accept.

I have accomplished so much in the last year, especially in the last few months. I’ve done it all with one goal in mind: to make the world a better place in memory of my son.

I haven’t written in a while, and I wish I hadn’t taken a break. But I will do better.

July 3rd, 2019, at 9:30 AM, I sat in the hospital clinic, thinking I was going to see my son and have a normal 36 week pre-natal appointment.

34 hours hours later, I walked out with a memory box and a broken heart.

It’s fascinating really – because you’d think this weekend would be horrible for me. But it’s not. So far, this weekend is easy. My life is so much better, and has so much more purpose now than it did 1 year ago today.

I am surrounded by so much love.

The month of June though…that month honestly sucked. And I wasn’t expecting that, but I got through it. I navigated the storm, and I am so proud of myself.

I’m amazed at who I’ve become since Kellan’s death, and what I’ve accomplished. Over the next few days, I will explain and reveal more.

For now though, I am going to spread love & kindness, and enjoy my time with those I love. I am going to embrace my life, and be thankful to be surrounded by amazing people who love me unconditionally.

I am going to change the world. One act of kindness at a time.