love over pain

“Real love never fails.”

-Karen Kingsbury

Wow where has 2020 gone. It’s almost October and I haven’t written since July. Since Kellan’s birthday.

2020 has been quite the year. I always hear how terrible everyone thinks it is, but after the 2019 I’ve had – I can handle all that 2020 has brought me. I got this.

So how am I? I am discovering new things about myself all of the time. I am strong, resilient, and honest.

I am finally and truly a good friend again – and that feels incredible. I can once again love others and give to others the way I always had before I lost my son. I was so scared this wouldn’t come back fully – and it did. I love to love others.

I am making the choice to love over pain.

One thing that I am incredibly proud of is that I have been honest and open in my grief. If I can’t handle something, I am honest. When I am ready to conquer things – I do it. I listen to myself and do what I need to take care of my mental health.

In 2020 I have:

• Met the baby from the baby shower I went to back in October – and let me tell you, she’s wonderful.
• Worked with the hospital to develop improvements for families who suffer pregnancy and infant loss.
• Been able to talk to my good friend about her pregnancy and see her precious little boy (the one I didn’t know about until late on – STILL thankful she did this for me).
• Became a college professor – a lifetime goal of mine!
• Won the rebranding bid for the City of Aberdeen – creating a lasting legacy in this city I love.
• Decided to run for, and WIN a City Council race. I am now the only female on the Aberdeen City Council, and I won a three way race!
• Developed a strong plan for my #KellanKares Foundation – and a way to fund it!
• Worked incredibly hard to bring my small business & full time job through a Pandemic and reinvented so much about what we do!
• Adopted another awesome dog – Lola Lee Logue Langer the First
• Started a Podcast with a remarkable women & my fellow Coach’s wife – (@thosecoacheswives on iTunes and Spotify if you want to check it out!)
• Spread love & kindness with Random Acts in memory of my precious Kellan.
• And one of the best things I’ve ever done…..HIRED AN ASSISTANT!

There’s still so much time left in 2020, and so much to do. I promised Scott I’d slow down a little – so yeah, the assistant will be wonderful.

As I reflect back on this time of my life last year, I think of how fortunate I am to be in the mental head space I am in right now. While I think of Kellan every single day, I am also so proud of who I am and what I have done. I know he is proud of me.

The other day I woke up and as I laid in bed reading emails – I heard the high school band playing. It was so loud, I felt like I was right next to them. It dawned on me that I lived in this house last year, and should have heard the band then…but I didn’t remember it.

That same night I heard such loud commotion and asked Scott if our neighbors were having a party. He laughed and said no, it was the high school football game. I couldn’t believe it and asked him if it was that loud last year. He said of course….but I didn’t remember it.

It absolutely shocked me that I had no recollection of these obvious and loud moments. It truly put into perspective for me the depths of where my depression was, and how much I have healed. Our minds are so powerful, and the way they work to protect us is crazy.

I’ve never been so thankful that I could hear the band and the game. I can hear joy again.

I won’t lie, I still struggle in a lot of ways. I still hate the jealous feelings I get, and I’m not sure I will ever get used to having jealous feelings. I still am triggered and pained by things people say to me. Usually they don’t realize it – but it still stabs me. I have gotten much better about bringing awareness around this though.

I am now okay with people calling me strong. I used to always silently say to myself…I’m not strong, I’m crumbling. But I agree now – I am very strong. I think we all are, some of us just don’t know the depths of our strength yet. I will wear that badge of honor proudly. I am a strong grieving mother.

I am also weak. And that’s okay too. We can be both, and I’ve learned that. And I will wear that badge proudly too.

I will tell you one thing that hasn’t changed….I still like bad or shocking news via email or text. It gives me time to process and figure out my feelings before I react. Pretty sure this will never change….

Since Kellan’s death, and through my grief, I have learned to love stronger, to be more passionate, to challenge myself, and to not settle. I have learned to forgive and move forward. I have learned to stand up for myself, even when it’s uncomfortable. And most importantly, to only closely surround yourself with safe people. You can keep others around you, but they don’t need to be close.

I will continue to allow myself to grow in my grief, and own that I am doing the best I can. But I can promise you, I will always truly do the best I can.

I am a strong, passionate, loving, grieving mother.