a broken heart is real

I will be okay.

“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” 

— E.A. Bucchianeri.

Everyone tells me I’m strong. But I don’t feel strong.

Every single day I know I am going to wake up, and I’m thankful I do. I’m just not thankful that I’m waking up to a home without my son. I want him back more then anything. I know that I’m going to wake up though, so I have to continue to live and breathe.

Today I didn’t want to leave the house. I wanted to close my store and lay around all day and do nothing. But what would that have done? Where would that have gotten me? I keep telling myself I can’t allow the situation to give me the excuse to fail. I can’t allow my business and career to fall apart because I lost my child.

People die every single day. It is a horrible reality of life. And life continues. That’s the way it is, and I try to remind myself of that. I am not alone in this and there are people going through the exact same pain I am. It doesn’t make my heart hurt any worse, but it does make me feel less horrible for myself.

I went to the grocery store today. I got us dinner for the next 3 nights. Dinner is the only meal I care to eat. I know that’s not good, but I’m trying. I bought protein shakes to make Scott feel better and I’ll try to drink them in the morning. Everything I eat makes me physically ill.

Back to the grocery store though. As I walk around, it just boggles my mind. I want to scream. The entire world just continues to move while I’m stuck in this horrific nightmare. Every single move I make feels fake. I’m just a robot, programming myself to go through the motions. I just want to collapse and scream, but I don’t.

I have always loved to be around people. Talk to strangers, be surrounded by friends. I just don’t care to do that right now. It takes so much effort to just be “normal”. Every single second I am thinking about my son that I can’t have. Even when I don’t realize I’m thinking of him, I am.

I have truly never felt heartbreak like this. I never even understood it could exist. I read an article the other day (Because it’s all I do now) that talked about actual heartbreak being real. And I believe it. I can feel it. My heart is literally shattered, and I’m not sure when it will be whole again. I know it will mend. I know time will heal it. Not fully but it will mend. I just want time to speed up.

It’s been 2 weeks and 2 days since I last held Kellan in my arms. My beautiful stillborn baby that was absolutely perfect. It’s ironic because it feels like time isn’t moving, because I know time is the only thing that will heal me. Yet it feels like time is flying by and I’m just watching.

I often try to convince myself that losing Kellan at 36 weeks pregnant has got to be easier in some way then if he had been born and I lost him at some point in his life. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I always try to tell myself that.

I have so much guilt. I often think about how much guilt and regret I had when my nephew died, and hate that feeling I have now with my son. I really didn’t enjoy being pregnant because of all of the things I couldn’t do. Now I hate myself for thinking that way, and would give anything to have him back inside me awaiting his arrival. I can’t help but feel like I did something wrong, and I know that I can’t think that way. But who could help it?

I do feel the most level headed and mentally clear then I have for a long time. I just want so badly to have Kellan and I know I can’t. I know I can’t bring him back, and I know I will never understand why. I just wish I could see a clear path to feeling whole again. That’s the logical person in me, wishing to make this horrific process somehow easier.

In my head I want it to be September because I have decided for some reason that I will be doing better by then. I guess we will see if I’m right. Until then, I continue down this journey I would give anything to not be on. I will be okay.

Published by Tiffany Langer

Professional in Marketing, Leadership, and Business. Married to a hockey coach....and the game. So I suppose I'm a Professional Coach's Wife as well. Mom to one perfect little boy in heaven, Kellan.

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8 Comments

  1. Tiffany,

    I am so so sorry for your loss. Grief is overwhelming and nobody can ever tell you its time to move on, you just do, but not without some pain, suffering and longing, your stronger than you know. I feel so sad for your loss, and your absolutely right in that, time seems to go by and
    your waiting for it to be better. Your a very strong lady, very talented and and even going through such an incredible loss, time will pass and yes you will feel more alive and better as it does. I cant imagine your pain and sorrow, but I can see you flourishing in life, you will feel stronger, you will have more wonderful moments, and Kellan is an angel, he is where god wanted him to be, you have your angel watching over you now, take care, keep writing, your going to be ok, and your words are going to inspire and help others, even in a time, you may think your just doing this to heal, I see an author, I see someone vulnerable, I see a future beyond all that has happened for you.

    God bless you Tiffany.

    Pam Campbell

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So well written. I know that this week not only help Tiffany, but also affirm and acknowledge what other grieving mothers are feeling.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is so important—for you to write these words, for others going through a similar situation to feel just a little less alone, and for the people who love you to try to understand just a fraction of what you’re going through. Thank you so much for sharing, Tiffany. You are so loved. Scott is so loved. Kellan is so loved. You *are* strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so sorry for your loss. This is a beautifully written blog and I hope you and Scott can get through your loss. I wish I could have met Kellan. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh Tif I love how you word everything. It is so true down to the core. I am not the same person but I still have the funny, outgoing, and goofy side to me. Sometimes it will hit when I’m driving and there is a beautiful sunset. I was in the store right after Timmy died and was standing in the yogurt section crying thinking about how much he loved peach yogurt. Those memories are very real and I think in a sense normal. I feel like you adjust to a new normal where you know it will never be the same but in the same sense you find happiness and joy again. Mine is through the BetheCheetah scholarship every year. I get to see kids just like him at his age he was, and it makes me happy.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 💔 I wish there was something I could do or say. I know there isn’t. I can’t imagine this kind of pain. This isn’t your fault…that is the most important thing to carry with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I know how very much you loved Kellam knowing the beautiful, loving woman you are. I feel so much hurt for you and Scott and can’t even imagine what you are going through. Just try to be good to yourself and know you did nothing Do whatever can comfort you, and it will be ok. Many hugs, love and prayers to you and your family. Janis Hetrick

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